This past weekend things seemed to be coming to a head. I got several texts from Melissa, a 16-year old teenager I’ve taken under my wing.
The texts said:
- “She has 2 days.”
- “She (mom) is not doing well, I’m not doing well, it’s all happening – too much, I just don’t want to put any effort in anything.”
- “I know f*&# my life.”
With her mother fighting for a day at a time the burden that is wearing on Melissa is wearing on her. This sounded dire.
I went to the hospital and packed a book of stories on angels and Marianne Williamson’s Illuminata, my favorite prayer book. I was prepared to face what appeared to be the inevitable, the last time I might see this person.
This wasn’t necessarily so. As my dear friend Dr. Marilyn Joyce once said (echoing Yogi Berra), it’s not over until it is over. Melissa’s mom was nowhere near giving up or letting go.
When I sit with her, I read to her and pray, both aloud and quietly to myself. I’m not sure what Melissa’s mother can hear, but I believe that of all the faculties, hearing is the last to go. It still surprises me how quickly she wakes when someone enters her room.
During our few minutes together, I reiterate my promise to her that I will keep an eye on Melissa. She thanks me. I ask her whether she’s thought of what will come after all this for her. Her answer throws me for a loop: Melissa’s mom shakes her head and adamantly says “no.”
I realize that she is not ready. I wonder if she hasn’t yet made peace with her situation. The only other person I saw die without being at peace was my own grandmother. I found it scary to watch, unsettling and even dark. I worry.
It could be, however, that her doctors and everyone else are wrong in their prognosis. That Melissa’s mother is not where they think she is – at end of the road.
I ask if she worries about her daughters. She nods. Suddenly the mood softens and I see a tear rolling down her cheek.
One thing is clear to me. This woman is willing herself to live. She will fight for every single day that she has.
Suddenly I feel uneasy and out of place. I don’t know what to say or do. Should I pray for a miracle? It seems an unlikely event. Would I rob her of her belief she can get better if I believe that her condition is terminal? What can I really safely talk to her about without upsetting her? In short I didn’t know how to support her and I feel terrible about that.
Has this happened to you? Have you been at a loss for words in a difficult and delicate situation? Let me know if you have any advice for me.
Everyone talks about the light and bliss. I stay with the dark wall close to me. Stay and pray and Listen and Look and wait. Sometimes it changes. Sometimes Not. Remember: if you are on / in the bottum, someone calm and respectfully nearby is better than ” nice sugations “. I think to respect her darkness and struggle is all you can do for Melissas Mom. In the next days I”ll send you an “Angel of Death” HeShe helps in both directions. Love and Greetings from Bavaria – from ” the Lawer with Angels around”
Dear Beate,
This is such a difficult situation, & I hope as I write this that situation hasn’t changed. I have no advice, apart from you must be true to yourself . I lost my grandmother & my father to cancer. In my fathers case he was in such denial as to what was happening it was difficult to communicate with him, I love my father so I chose to give him all that love while I could, thats all I could do in the situation, I like to think it helped.
My Grandmother was in a coma for about a month. When the nurse came in to give her meds I used to tell him stories about her, most of them funny (she was funny). He told me that once she had gone I should tell & remember those stories of when she was well, as they would be key to moving on after she had gone. Sometimes my family & i just sit laugh as we share stories about her, recently we have started to do the same about my father.
I’m very lucky my husband had cancer, he was very ill, but he’s still with us. So theres always a chance, we always hang on to that chance.
This is such a difficult situation for everyone who knows Melissa & her mother, my thoughts are with you all.
Very best Wishes
Victoria
“Wow” is the only thing I have to say….. but I must say only you and your heart knows what would be best to share with her. The Lord has blessed you so Beate, and isn’t done or have left you. These are moments that you get to appreciate all life has to offer, and probably why you give so much of yourself to others…. Keep being blessed….
Jim
Beate, you are an awesome mentor to Melissa an us all.
My thoughts on passing over are that I believe we go when we are ready, not when a doctor or anyone else tells us so. I admire the mother’s tenacity, yet the struggle brings sorrow to my heart. I too watched my grandmother fade a little at a time with Alzheimers, and it was heartrending.
I also watched my husband’s grandfather fight for the final moments of his life (he was 90 years young) and was in awe of his inner strength. He could not talk, but I saw in his eyes that he was angry and frustrated, proud to the end and battling to live. When I placed my hand on his and said, ‘It’s okay, Grandpa, you can go when you’re ready. We’ll all be okay’, he seemed to find the peace he lacked.
Shortly thereafter he let go an had a peaceful release in his sleep. When we are afraid to let go, it’s usually because of our need to take care of those we love. The best thing you did was assure the mom you’d watch over her daughter. Well done. Peace will be ready for her when she knows her family is taken care of.
God Bless
Franny Armstrong
Sometimes words are not necessary….I took care of my mother for the past year with many trips to the hospital until they told us they would put her under Hospice care at her home and give the necessary medications to keep her comfortable. We only talked briefly when she found she had terminal cancer, she told me that she had a great life. I bathed her, feed her, gave her the medications and gave her a kiss good night every day for the last year. She could see by my actions that I loved her very much and was with her when the Lord took her peacefully on October 18th, 2011.
Beate,
My sister died at 37 years old with four little girls. For a year before she passed she was incredibly ill, fighting for her life. Her goal was to live to see her oldest daughter graduate high school…she died when my niece was 11. During that time I fought to get her into experimental studies and thought I could will her to live. It is horrible to watch some one you love suffer and not be able to relieve that suffering. There simply are no words for that. There is no real understanding of that place they are in. All you can really do, is say I love you and what can I do…. At the end, I told her she had fought hard…that she was still beautiful…that our loved ones were waiting for her, and would hold her there until next we met. i wanted her to be at peace and to pass knowing she was loved, and that it was ok to move on…. She was supposed to be in a coma, but opened her eyes and locked onto mine and a tear ran down her face.
You are an amazing woman and your strength will give them strength.