Here’s a personal bit that perhaps you can relate to. Day after day, we slay dragons in our businesses. We make hard decisions of who stays and who goes, who gets the job, and who holds our trust. But at the end of the day, we are supposed to shift into relationship mode or put our mom hat on, or both. BOOM!
Challenges of Being an Alpha Woman
Give Up Perfectionism
When I get into dragon-slayer mode during particularly busy times, my mindset is on little more than getting sh*t done. I gave up perfectionism long ago because it’s better to get it done versus stressing over whether it’s perfect or not. (Side note: that’s why you sometimes catch a mistake or oops.) I encourage you to let go of perfectionism as well because being mad at yourself isn’t exactly helping anyone catch up on those much needed sleep hours.
The Need To Shift
One of the most difficult things for me at the end of my workweek is to shift into being the woman in my relationship and letting my man be the alpha male. I have to soften my language and put my sword down. There isn’t enough room in any relationship for two alphas—it causes too much friction. But because I have been fighting battles all week, I need his support and to feel loved so I can do it all over again on Monday.
The Lack Of Support
In the meantime, our alpha male has been slaying his own dragons throughout the week and is yearning for our sweet softness and understanding to help HIM shift into relationship mode. That works most of the time, but some days I am just out of empathy and compassion and softness. I need my man to do a hard reset because I have nothing to give. I need support.
The Difficult Conversation
On most Fridays, I make my way over to what I lovingly call my beach house. But this Friday I can’t because I have a Saturday meeting and I am speaking on Sunday and haven’t finished the presentation yet because I am in the middle of a launch. What I want is to be the priority now and for my man tell me that I matter the most. I want him to volunteer to do the unthinkable: to leave HIS cave to crawl into mine. Instead, he says he needs to go on a bike ride and wants to go surfing early morning.
Throw The Phone At The Wall
Needless to say, the chain reaction has begun. How can he be so selfish, so oblivious, so (insert your usual complaint here)???
Now there is NO WAY I can go quietly into my cave. I am MARCHING in it with loud fanfare. FINE. If those are your priorities, why don’t you ride your bike ALL DAY Friday, and add Saturday and Sunday while you’re at it?!
I am upset. Feel misunderstood and very taken advantage of.
The Brain Is Building A Case
I don’t know about you, but this is the point where my brain goes into overdrive and tirelessly searches for every single incident in our entire relationship where a similar situation has happened. Ah… he missed my birthday during that fundraiser bike ride that he had been planning for years… And that time when….
I suddenly have 15 reasons why I should boycott this relationship, and each memory that pops into my head adds another. He doesn’t love me… I am too convenient… This only works because I make all the sacrifices…
Geez Louise, this is really looping in my head.
What Are The Facts?
I have now succeeded in not sleeping and making matters worse. At least I am good at what I do—I know how to take it all the way! BRAVA.
In The Women’s Code, we get back to center through the three pillars: Awareness, Support, and Collaboration.
- Awareness: What is true? We love each other very much. I didn’t communicate that I needed him to step up for me. He failed to read my distress, and without understanding there is a problem, he can’t help fix it.
- Support: I feel unsupported, and it makes me feel unloved.
- Collaboration: With the first two being off, this one is clearly not happening.
What Happens Next?
With awareness, I recognize I need to call a Time Out for myself. I can’t give right now. Time to get back to my own center. As for support, I also realize that I should have a conversation with my man about my burnout and specifically how he can support me. He doesn’t know. He can’t know. Because all the details are inside my head.
But what about the collaborative piece? There must be something that can avoid this from happening. Why can’t I ask clearly for what I need sooner? Is it because this alpha woman thinks she can do everything on her own?
Will you share what happens in your world when you get to this point? How do you get out of it without burning bridges? I’d love to know your tips! I’m hoping you can save me all this heartache next time…
At her lowest point, Beate Chelette was $135,000 in debt, a single mother, and forced to leave her home. Only 18 months later, she sold her image licensing business to Bill Gates in a multimillion dollar deal. Chelette is a nationally known ‘gender decoder’ who has appeared in over 60 radio shows, respected speaker, career coach, consummate creative entrepreneur, and author of Happy Woman Happy World. Beate is also the founder of The Women’s Code, a unique guide to women leadership and personal and career success that offers a new code of conduct for today’s business, private, and digital worlds. Determined to build a community of women supporting each other, she took her life-changing formula documented it all in a book Brian Tracy calls “an amazing handbook for every woman who wants health, happiness, love and success!”
Through her corporate initiative “Why Acting Like a Girl Is Good For Business” she helps companies with gender diversification training, and to develop and retain women.
If you’d like to book Beate as a speaker on New Leadership Balance or Creative Entrepreneurship for your next event please connect with me.